Top 10 Things Not to Say to a Cancer Patient

10. Everyone in my family has had cancer and I’m sure I’ll probably die of it.
Really Negative Nancy? That’s horrible and depressing. Until you actually have it, though, you’re not in “the club”. So how ‘bout we not talk about stats and death. Hey! By the way did you see Jake totally tank last night on Dancing with the Stars?

9. Are you sure you can work?
Well…I’m a single girl and someone has to pay the mortgage on my nice house that I enjoy living in. So yeah…I can, will, and do work. I work 40 hours a week and then get chemo over the weekend. Then I come back on Monday and start all over again. I’m not dead or dying…I just have cancer.

8. I’ll bring you some crackers and ginger ale.
Uhhh…okay. But I don’t have the sniffles. I’d really rather have a couple of bean burritos and some nachos from Taco Bueno and a warm Coke since I can’t drink anything cold without feeling like I just stuck an electric fence in my mouth.

7. You probably won’t have a "cycle" while you’re on chemo. (My nurse said this)
Really??? SA-WEET! Wait. Don’t make promises you can’t keep.

6. So when do you want to shop for a wig?
Okay. This is like asking an Orca when it wants to shop for a bathing suit. Until I actually start visibly losing my hair let’s just assume the best and not get all giddy over wig shopping. I’d rather beach myself. Thanks.

5. Are you done having kids? Because this has a small percentage of a chance that you’ll be sterile afterwards. (Another nurse comment)
Seriously??? No ring on my finger and I’m coming to all my appointments with my parents. Do I look like someone who has kids? No. But now that it may not be an option…thanks for mentioning it. Geesh!

4. Chemo is a conspiracy. You should try this vitamin regime that totally cured my cousins, uncles, niece’s 4th grade teachers’ melanoma.
Uh thanks. But my doctors say chemo is the way to go so I’m gonna trust them. And by the way…vitamins make me puke and I’m trying to avoid doing that too much these days.

3. Have you tried the vitamin D, Aspirin, Agave Juice, Jell-o therapy?
Similar to #4 with a similar mental response from me.

2. Are they sure it’s cancer?
Well, they just took out about 9 inches of my colon and other surrounding tissue, put a port in my chest, and started pumping poison directly into my heart…I’m pretty sure they’re confident that it’s cancer at this point.

1. Did they give you a timeline?
Seriously people???? REALLY??? I’m not dying (at least not today). I just have cancer. It’s not like that Tim McGraw song where you immediately bust out the hospital doors and go bull riding or sky diving. Although if someone wants to take me bull riding or sky diving I’m totally up for that!


Now you may be thinking…”Geez True, well what CAN we say?”

You can ask how the person is doing/feeling/etc and then stop and sincerely listen. I’m pretty happy to talk to anyone about my colon…oddly enough. Especially if it will get you in the door to get a colonoscopy before the age of 50 (which is just a ludicrous age to start screening for cancer considering all the 30-somethings who are getting colon cancer).

There’s really no gentle way to tell people you have cancer…but you don’t want to lie when someone asks you how you’ve been or what you’ve been up to, because, let’s face it, once you have cancer it kind of takes over a big portion of your daily life. Not ALL of it, mind you, but certainly a large portion of it. So when someone tells you…don’t just gloss over it and immediately change the subject. That’s dismissive and rude. Just listen. Then if you’re inclined…give the person a hug, squeeze or nice hand shake. Don’t ever underestimate the consoling abilities of a basic human touch. And…don’t forget to tell them they look great. I never get tired of people telling me I look good…even on the days that I don’t.